We all know that are different ways to become a parent. But, we tend to believe that we have it all figured out, that we can plan every detail and the pregnancy will be an enjoyable part of our lives, full of those sweet moments of happiness and excitement. Some may think, “when I get pregnant it will be like this” or “I will do this”. We imagine the first kick, the first time our belly begins to show, the first second after birth we’ll have our crying babies in our arms, ignoring all the natural suffering of pregnancy.
I am still in winter denial, and it will be here sooner than expected covering the streets with snow and dropping temperatures. I’m not prepared for that! I was raised in a warm and breezy country, which doesn’t help when it comes to face the craziness of Utah weather. I can say that I will never be comfortable with wearing winter clothing, and it doesn’t keep me warm enough. However, if I have to suffer with cold at least I will do it in a cozy sweater.
When we bought our house back in 2014, we noticed something unusual. The house was pretty much in good shape but, the kitchen wall had tiles glued to it, covering most of it.The curious thing about that was the material of those tiles: cork.You read right, cork. For three years we thought of several ways to get rid of them but, we never had made a decision. Nothing was more frustrating than having to answer the same question every time we had a guest in our house, “what are you guys trying to do here?” The question always came accompanied with a face that spoke for itself pointing how weird that was.
Two years ago I gave birth to a little girl, Marie. As a new mother I knew nothing about kids. I had to follow my instincts in order to figure out what to do and how to take care of a newborn. Just three months after an emergency C-section I had another cesarean-like surgery to remove 2 tumors and a Dermoid cyst (two Fibroid Tumors from my Uterus and a Dermoid cyst from my right ovary). My husband works the night shift and I couldn’t count very much on his help as I would have liked. However, I need to say that he did his best to help me with our new baby. I was miserable recovering from those recent surgeries, with a baby waking up every two hours to eat, suffering of a lack of sleep and still feeling the pressure to produce enough milk when my body was about to collapse.
Thanksgiving is just around the corner and nothing inspires me more than all those scents that invade the stores with the sweet smell of cinnamon. That fragrance brings me into a state of euphoria preparing my heart to all the celebrations during this magic time. It fills my body with feelings that only these End of Year Holidays can bring. Although, Thanksgiving is not something that we actually celebrate in Brazil, here in US I learned how to love it. This excitement flows my mind with ideas that led me to start my hunt for items to decorate my dining table.
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Two months have passed and just now I feel like writing a new post about my daughter’s birthday party. My pregnancy started with zero symptoms is now full of those “pretty” moments of nausea, fatigue, dizziness. To be honest I’ve never been so sleepy and it’s even harder to keep my eyes open to do small tasks such as read a bedtime book to my little princess.
Well, as I have almost completed the first trimester I can feel a little bit more energy going through my body and finally I can have the patience and desire to write down the details about the party. First, I need to emphasize the fact that in Brazil, it is not custom to have a small party. I tried hard to do something smaller than my daughter’s first birthday party and I feel like I have accomplished my goal, at least a little bit.
I came from very abusive parents. I grew up feeling as If I were the ugly duckling but, without the happy end of becoming a beautiful swan. I struggled and still do to feel confident, to look at the mirror and not have that message that was “formatted” early in my mind similar to how computers or networking systems. I am reminded by the thoughts that say: “ you’re ridiculous”, “ you’re incapable to do anything right”, or the classic one I heard my whole life from my mother that gave birth to three girls : “xx (my youngest sister) is the most beautiful daughter I have, and then xxx (my older sister) but, you Lana, you’re not ugly”.